If I Started My Own Religion . . .
If I started my own religion (which I’m not going to do), there are two things that I would do immediately: (1) come up with a better, less barbaric funeral ritual and (2) provide an alternative to the current check cashing and international money transfer racket. While the second may not sound like an ecclesiastical function, I feel strongly that it is.
I dislike some funeral rituals and they are way too expensive ($10K minimum). They are also bizarre. What is with the open casket and viewing ritual? Here are a few suggestions for improving funerals. Have church job trainees and volunteers construct simple wooden caskets (maybe paint a short quote on the side of the casket and attach one piece of memorabilia to the lid). The simpler the better. Get rid of the practice of embalming and face painting. If they are to be buried, use flat headstones and let volunteers do the engraving. Encourage cremation. At the actual funeral, use pictures, video footage, holograms, art work, etc. Have lots of music. Get rid of all sermonizing, unless specifically requested by the deceased. Get rid of most of the flowers; have participants contribue to the deceased’s favorite charity. Get rid of the hearst, use a pickup truck (regular model) to carry the casket. Encourage memories about the deceased at the graveside service. Do everything possible to help the relatives and friends grieve. A funeral should not cost more that $1K. It should be about the deceased, period.
It seems like the check cashing and international money transfer business takes advantage of the poor, those who have trouble making it from check to check and those who need to send money home. For those seeking refuge in the United States (both legally and illegally), this seems to be a big problem. Any church that claims to be international should be able to work out better systems for both. To take advantage of those who can least afford it is contrary to the teachings in the New Testament.
I’ve got to sign off, the Pope is calling.
April 12th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Here is what Boyd K. Packer’s (projected next president of the LDS church)said about funerals (October 15, 1996). Fortunately, most Mormon funerals don’t comply:
“They should not yield the arrangement for funerals . . . to families.”
“They are becoming informal family reunions in front of ward members. Often the Spirit is repulsed by humorous experiences or jokes . . .”
“When the family insists that several family members speak in a funeral, we hear about the deceased instead of about the Atonement, the Resurrection, and the comforting promises revealed in the scriptures.”
Funerals are an excellent time for congregational nullification.
April 12th, 2009 at 9:07 am
At my father’s funeral, the mortuary did a haphazard job. They botched one thing after another. At the reception, the sign read “Robert Guarth Hansen” instead of “Roger.” My mother specifically asked for the casket to be closed; they forgot. My mother was unnecessarily stunned at seeing the lid open. When the funeral home staff finally did close it, they left some of the drapery hanging out.
My father wanted only at graveside service and requested a specific piece of music be played. The mortician could not figure out how to get his CD player operational and botched the music. (And, of course, the drapery was still hanging out.) The success of a funeral is in the details, and these guys just couldn’t get it right, except of course for the financial billing.
April 26th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Noted LDS theologian Robert Kirby suggested another possible improvement that could be made if you wanted to start your own church (April 25th SL Trib):
“The real measure of church attendance is the effort it causes me to do things for people I don’t know and might have every reason to ignore.
. . . For every minute I spend in church on Sunday, I obligate myself to two minutes of doing something for strangers the rest of the week.”
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:30 am
I have always had a endearing respect for the moose. For me, a moose is God’s most perfect animal, and its a good thing two of them were on Noah’s Ark. They have beautiful noses, huge antlers, and run with an ungainly elegance. What is not to like. And of course, there’s Bullwinkle.
I was presently surprised to see the following Robert Kirby verbage in the SL Trib (May 2):
“I never earned my Duty to God Award (as a Boy Scout). Shocking, I know, but there it is. In fact, I didn’t have anything worth sporting as a symbol of my faith (during his LDS mission). My lapel was as empty as my spirit, I felt left out.”
“On our first preparation day, I bought a Bullwinkle pin and wore it for the next two years as my “Moose to God” award.”
Maybe a moose would be a good symbol for my phantom religion. But the moose is a bit of a loner, probably not a good icon for a major religion. But perhaps a inspirational one for a few solitary rebels.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:42 am
On the subject of funerals, music is very important. I think of the footage I see of New Orleans’ funerals. Dixieland bands playing on the streets as the coffin is transported to the cemetary. When the father of a friend died, his fellow dixieland band members played at the cemetary. At the funeral of another friend’s father, a medaly of deceased’s favorite tunes was played.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Another animal that might capture the spirit of new church is the pelican. Some species have a very white color and a wonderful long orange beak. Because of their size, they are very ungainly on land . . . but beautiful in the sky. They are more social than the moose. So maybe the pelican is a better choice as the endearing symbol of my new phantom religion.
May 31st, 2009 at 8:29 am
The following is a definition of a “Green burial”:
“Green funerals shun chemical preservatives, traditional heavy metal and wood caskets, and other features of costly modern burials. Going green is billed as a low-cost,, highly personal alterntive to a conventional burial. Un-embalmed remains are put directly into the ground, either shrouded in cloth or buried in natural caskets made of biodegradable materials, such as cardboard, wicker and pine. Burial vaults — underground, concrete reinforcement used to ensure that graves do not collapse — are not used.”
quote from affordablecustomcaskets.com
July 7th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I recently traveled to Uganda with EWB. Coffin vendors are a fairly prominent component of the small market scene. While I didn’t get a chance to price Ugandan coffins, I’m sure they are inexpensive by American standars. They do have one drawback: most seem to have windows. But I’m sure it’s possible to get a windowless model. Importing coffins from Africa would have at least two benefits. It would stimulate the Ugandan economy and provide for less expensive American funerals. If importing from Uganda turns out to be impractical, there’s always Mexico.
September 14th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Quotes from an article that appeared in the Sept. 13, 2009, SLTrib (by MaryJane Buttars):
“A green burial is the act of returning a body to the Earth in a manner that creates no waste — leaving no trace when we pass on. The goal is to reduce our final footprint on the planet by melding into a cleaner, healthier and more intact ecosystem.”
“In preparation for a green burial, an alternative preservation method like refrigeration or dry ice can be used in place of chemical preservatives. . . ”
“Biodegradable burial vessels are not only helping people return to the Earth more naturally; they are also breathing new life into traditional fiber arts. Recycled paper, willow, bamboo, sea grass and other natural fibers are gaining popularity as beautiful handcrafted caskets; creation urns are being sculpted from recycled silk and mulberry leaf paper. . .”
“My heart soared I read a recent article in ‘The New York Times’ describing a 77-year-old woman who, in perfectly good health, bought her own pine coffin from a company called Last Things (www.lastthings.net) But instead of stowing it away on account of its significance, she uses her coffin to showcase the quilts she makes.”
January 21st, 2010 at 12:38 pm
I also need my imaginary religion to be gender neutral. Nicholas D. Kristof writing in the NYTimes (Jan 9, 2010) as quoted in Time (Jan 25, 2010, p. 22):
“When religious institutions exclude women from their hierarchies and rituals, the inevitable implication is that females are inferior . . . Religious groups should stand up for a simple ethical principle: any person’s human rights should be sacred, and not depend on something earthly as their genitals.”
February 21st, 2010 at 12:21 pm
Here is Robert Kirby’s personal take on Mormonism and church (sltrib.com updated 19 Feb 2010). It sounds like a good foundation for a religion:
“When it comes to practical application, there are church things I’ll gladly do, things I’d rather not do, and thing I won’t do even at gunpoint. Best of all, I don’t feel a bit uncomfortable about making any of them stick.
The parts of church I like have come as a surprise. I absolutely enjoy the sense of community, the feeling of support, the opportunity for service, and even the people themselves–many of whom are very bit as nusts as myself.”